She was just a phone call away

"What's wrong Chanty? You can tell me anything."
And i wish she hadn't asked me that. Cause now i felt obligated to tell her what
has been bothering me all these years. But i couldn't. I tried to force my voice through the
sobbing and the tears but i was choking on my words. I stopped fighting these tears two hours ago.
That's how long i've been crying. Non-stop. Constantly.
My aunt tried to help me but she didn't understand. My cousin did, so she called my
mom, who lives almost 5000 miles away, and handed me the phone.
And there we were. In a conversation that i couldn't face.

This past year was the worst for me.
I lost a dear friend due to the most unreasonable cause i can think of. I couldn't put the
pieces together so i let the puzzle unsolved.
I had health issues and the doctors couldn't diagnose what i was feeling. It was exhausting.
Sometimes i would lay in my bed all day.
I was in financial struggle. I didn't had a job and my costs where piling up.
I was in a spiritual struggle. I've never felt so far away from God.
And, above all, I was struggling with a lot of personal issues. Issues i couldn't tell anyone.
Not even my own mother. These issues got the best of me. I was so confused.
Inside i was a mess and on the outside i used my smile as a daily camouflage.

So here i am. Staring out of this cold window on the tenth floor at all the fireworks.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" they scream, but i feel anything but happy. I feel ashamed,
lost, disappointed and sad. I try to swallow the guilt away but the bitter memories
have already digested their way into my stomach. "What have you done with yourself?!"
i ask myself. 'You haven't grown, you haven't learned and accomplished anything. You
didn't even use the talents that God gave you'. I discovered that i've stopped living.
"I will NEVER go through such a horrible new years eve"! i promised myself. And that's
a promise i've kept.

Earlier that day my mom was reassuring me: "You know you can tell me everything right?
I love you no matter what you do or how you feel. You are a part of me and nothing
will change that." After hearing her say that for the second time on the phone, i took the first
courageous step i've taken that whole year. I took a deep breath and told her.
That day changed my life.

2013 has been the complete opposite of 2012. I began to live again.
I took steps in courage in spite of fear. I started to evolve and invest in my talents.
I started to unfold the gifts that God has given me. I just simply started with the
little things i always wanted to do.
I followed my first drum lesson and dance lesson. I attended a intensive bible school.
I engaged myself more in preaching. I began to write more and expose myself more.
And a few days ago i did my first spoken word!
I got a job and i'm taking good care of myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
And in a few weeks i'll be leaving to Curacao for 7 months. There's so much more to tell.
This year has been simply amazing. I've grown and i've learned.

When i'll reminisce on this new years eve, i'll be able to say:
I'm happy, i'm grateful, i'm satisfied and i'm blessed. And i'm anxious to see what 2014
has in store for me!